DAY 49 – KEY ASPECT: LOVING FEELINGS VERSUS LOVING ACTIONS

I hang out alot with a friend of mine and her boyfriend of six months. They tell me their relationship is like a see-saw where when things are going well between them it is great but there are too many instances when their relationship is chaotic. Both of them are perplexed as to why this happens and what can be done to end their difficulties.

A problem that they both have is that they easily get annoyed at something the other person has said or done even if the words or actions are of a minor nature. One person will make a snide or belittling comment about the other person and the rebuttal is a snide or belittling remark back. Soon the verbal vitriol becomes more intense and the annoyance continues to grow to the point where they question why they are in a relationship with that person.

Both my friend and her boyfriend say the other person is at fault when they argue. When she drops a glass and it breaks he tells her she is clumsy. When he does not do something he said he was going to do she tells him he is lazy. When she goes over to see her parents he says she shouldn’t waste her time there since she should be home with him. When he goes out with his friends she questions why he isn’t home with her. While both people work they say the other person wastes money on themself and doesn’t contribute enough to the household expenses. I have often asked them why they stay together with all of this turmoil and the only answer they give is that they love the other person.

While this doesn’t occur with them they tell me about a married couple they hang out with who have other issues that hinder their ability for a harmonious relationship. Both of those people have cheated on their spouse which has led to mistrust. When they both drink too much they say the meanest things to one another. Their arguments have led to the woman throwing things at her husband and her husband pushing his wife to the floor. Even though this married couple has mistrust and physical violence compared to my friend and her boyfriend, this couple also says that they stay together because they love one another.

Relationships at times may seem complicated but it becomes easier to understand when we look at it from the point of feelings and actions which are two separate and distinct aspects of interactions and relationships. Feelings are what courses through one’s body and actions are how we treat someone. In every situation in life, whether it is with the person each of us love or the people we just momentarily pass by, they both play a role in what takes place between human beings.

Words are part of how we treat someone and are a very powerful arsenal human beings have. They can complement or demean the other person for trivial or important things. They can prop up someone to where they feel good even on the cloudiest of days or have the chilling effect of bringing someone down when the sunshine is lighting up the sky. Our words are constantly at play in how we make the other person feel no matter what the situation.

Expectations, especially when they are unrealistic, also play a role in how we treat people. When someone at work does less than their job requires knowing that a co-worker has to make up the slack, that isn’t treating their co-worker properly. When a boss demands perfection, which is impossible to do all the time, it creates an atmosphere where the workers become uptight and tense around their boss which is an aspect of not treating the staff well.

Bullying is also a form of not treating people well. It is not only verbal assaults that demean another person but also pushing someone aside if that person is in your way. Business people can do that when the interest of their company comes before the civic good. Drivers can do that when they want to get somewhere so fast that other cars are looked at as just obstacles in their way with no concern for the other person behind the wheel.

The worst form of bullying and inconsideration is when parents demean their children and ignore their heartfelt desires. Children just want to be loved. They want to spend time with their parents while doing children things. Playing, laughing and learning is what they are all about. Verbally putting them down instead of saying things that uplifts them and inspires them to become a better human being may give a child a life sentence of emotional uneasiness. Not being there to be actively engaged with your child is disheartening for children and can erode a bond that at its best is as simple as just taking a breath of fresh air.

Thinking about the type of interactions and relationships people have I now realize that there is a significant difference between feelings and actions. The people I care about, love and want to spend more time with than other people deserve to be shown kindness, consideration and respect. In fact, every human being I encounter also deserves to be treated as well as I treat those whom I love.